2026 June Thought Notes: The Pushing-Away Comes Before the Reason for Pushing Away
Prologue: A slack surface, and high density underneath In June I came back from Laos to Shenzhen. If you only look at the state, this was a slack month. What it looked like in practice — I would only come alive after dark, stay up to two or three a.m. every night, lulled to sleep by one short video clip after another. Waking up in the day to Shenzhen’s gray-white sky, I could not even gather the strength to leave the apartment. I told myself it was the weather, but inside I knew it was not just that. Every day I bargained with myself: tomorrow I will wake early, I will be disciplined, I will start working — and the next day I lost again to that version of me curled up in bed. The body felt empty, not tired-empty but hollowed-out-and-idling-empty. There were many bothers, but I could not point at any specific one. ...